Monday, January 9, 2012

The RAW Truth Review for 1/9/2012

It's RAW time up in here. What will Chris Jericho say, if anything at all.

So Wait, I Hate Cena And Embrace the Hate, But That Means I Actually Like Cena?
After a recap of last week's end to RAW, Kane decided to come out. Kane said he hears the whispers about him and hate, but we are all in denial. Kane says we hate our spouses, and we know our children are disappointments. We live lives of hate. We don't embrace hate because we are too cowardly, or we fill our life with delusions of hope, like John Cena. Cena represents everything we aspire to achieve, but cannot. When we see Cena, we should see our own unfulfilled dreams. Kane said it should anger you, and it does. And when we say "Cena Sucks," we really think we suck. We suck because we refuse to embrace the hate. We are all liars. Rooting for the underdog is stupid, like Zack Ryder. Last week, Kane almost took Ryder to hell. But Cena delayed the inevitable. Kane always gets what he wants, and since he didn't he wants consequences.

John Cena came out and him and Kane brawled up the stage and into the back. Kane took out some random plants then slammed Cena's head into a door. They brawled outside and Kane threw Cena into some poles, then disappeared. So Kane is a magician now? Ok. Still don't care about this. Survey Says: 1.5/5

No Americans to See Here
Tag Match: Sheamus and Santino vs Wade Barrett and Jinder Mahal. Mahal and Santino started. Mahal tagged in Barrett. Barrett hit a neckbreaker and locked in a sleeper. Barrett whipped Santino into the corner and tagged in Mahal. Santino fought out of a sleeper with a jawbreaker and tagged in Sheamus. Sheamus ended up hitting the Brogue Kick on Jinder, then tagged in Santino, who hit the Cobra for the win. Nothing special here. Barrett looked like an afterthought in the match, which shouldn't be happening. Survey Says: 2/5

Miz complained about R-Truth to John Laurinaitis backstage. Laurinaitis again told Miz he brought this on himself. Laurinaitis told Miz he isn't Little Jimmy, he's Big Johnny.

First Hall of Fame Inductee: Edge. Surprised Edge is first. Thought for sure he might go in next year if Mania was in Toronto. Guess that isn't the case.

Backstage, Zack Ryder talked to Eve. He asked to go out with her. She said yes, but after her #1 Contender's Match for the Divas Title. Then a door slowly opened, and Kane peered on. Creeper.

Over the Top Celebrations Are the New Trend
Kofi Kingston vs Daniel Bryan. Bryan ducked a kick early into a pin for two. Kofi went for a crossbody from the top, but Bryan countered into a quick LaBell Lock for the win. As Bryan did his over the top celebration, Big Show came out. Bryan cut show off, and said he hated how the World Title match ended on Smackdown. He said the Title is much to prestigious to have the match end like that. Bryan said he would give Show a World Title match whenever he wants. Show said Teddy Long agreed, and their rematch would be Friday on Smackdown in a No DQ, No Countout match. Short match, simple enough story after though to get people to watch Smackdown Friday. Survey Says: 2.5/5

Justin Roberts introduced the man from Planet Funk, Brodus Clay. Out came Clay to some disco music. This might be the greatest thing I've ever seen. Brodus beat Curt Hawkins after a corner splash. I'm still laughing my ass off over here. I, words can't explain it.

Zack Ryder was brushing his teeth and Kane appeared in the mirror, then vanished.

After Jack Swagger and C.M. Punk came out, John Laurinaitis came out. He said if Punk beats Swagger, Swagger and Vickie are banned from ringside for Punk and Ziggler's WWE Title Match at the Rumble. After a couple of rope breaks, Punk slammed Swagger. Punk went to the top, but Swagger ducked out of the ring. Swagger got the advantage, but Punk ducked a clothesline and hit a springboard crossbody for two. Punk hit an elbow, but Swagger countered into an ankle lock attempt. Punk escaped, but Swagger countered with an elbow of his own. Swagger tossed Punk to the outside. Laurinaitis stopped Ziggler from attacking Punk. Punk then threw Swagger to the outside, and Punk hit a suicide dive into commercial.

Back from break Swagger somehow had control. Swagger attacked Punk with some back punches. Punk fought back with some punches and kicks, then a neckbreaker. Punk hit the running high knee in the corner. Swagger countered the running bulldog, then hit the Swagger Bomb for two. Swagger caught Punk with a powerslam for two. Punk countered a gut wrench powerbomb, Swagger countered a GTS and a kick into a belly-to-belly for two. The two went to the top. Punk head butted Swagger off, then hit the Macho Man elbow for two, or not. Apparently it was a three. That was weird. Fun match. It appears that maybe it was suppose to happen and play into the booking. Fun Match definitely. Survey Says: 3.5/5

Ryder and Cena talked backstage. Cena told Ryder to keep it together. Ryder still looked freaked out.

Backstage, the Bellas wanted to give Ricardo a message to Alberto del Rio. Miz said that Ricardo will go the ring and call out R-Truth or he will join Alberto on the injured list.

The next Hall of Fame inductees? The 4 Horsemen. Arn Anderson, Tully Blanchard, Barry Windham and J.J. Dillon.

A Segment Where Ricardo Is the Most Over Face
In ring, Ricardo made fun of R-Truth. He said his mom is ugly, his breath stinks etc. R-Truth came out and said "Lucy, I'm home!!!" R-Truth said Ricardo has it all wrong. He isn't a bad man. He's a good R-Truth. Truth said Little Jimmy told him to let bygones be bygones. Little Jimmy wants R-Truth to turn Ricardo into a human pinata. R-Truth asked Ricardo to sing "La Cucharacha." R-Truth asked Ricardo to sing one more time, but Ricardo accidentally knocked the mic out of his hands. Truth hit the lie detector on Ricardo. Miz attacked from the crowd, but R-Truth eventually got the upper hand. Miz ran off through the crowd. No reaction from the crowd. There's no clear cut face here. They've done a terrible job building this. Survey Says: 1/5

Chris Jericho came out in his light up jacket. Jericho went into over active face mode again. He ran around ringside and tried to get the fans going. All of the sudden, Jericho started crying. He dropped the mic and left, still crying. This is funny. Better than last week because Jericho's fake crying was pretty good. No rating again, but I liked it.

Eve came out for her match. Kane's music hit. Zack Ryder came to the ring to rescue her. They went outside to Zack's car, but the tire was flat. Zack tried changing the tire going into commercial.

Ryder was still changing the tire back from break.

Will Someone Just Help Ryder With the Tire Already???
Dolph was in the ring for his match with Cena. Ziggler worked over Cena early. Ziggler applied a chin lock but Cena powered out. Cena missed a charge in the corner and hit a handful of elbows on Cena. Cena countered and went into CENA MODE!!! Suddenly, we cut to the back where Ryder still hadn't changed the tire. Kane attacked and chokeslammed Ryder onto some pallets. Cena eventually got out, but was attacked by Kane in the back. Kane stood tall to end the show. Hilariously bad. Survey Says: 2/5

Let me make this clear; The majority of this RAW was bad. But it was hilariously bad. Everything involving Kane, Cena, and Ryder was stupid but got a laugh out of me. The storyline just isn't going anywhere and it is stupid. Brodus Clay, Funkasauras, whatever you want to call him was great. I haven't laughed that hard in awhile. Jericho was good as well. Punk/Swagger was a good wrestling match. The best real part of the show that actually made sense. It is a RAW I would recommend if you really need a good laugh. This wasn't a painfully bad RAW, but rather a hilariously bad RAW. I think I'm giving it a 4.

Everyone go watch Brodus Clay's debut. It was great. And remember kids, learn how to fix a flat tire ASAP. Otherwise, you may get attacked and chokeslammed onto a nice comfy bed.

Until Next Time,
Justin C
Follow Me On Twitter @JCWonka

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