The RAW Truth Review for 3/12/12

So, You Think You're Untouchable...
Jerry Lawler started in the ring. He mentioned how it is the first ever Rock and Rap Concert tonight.John Cena came out to "Basic Thuganomics" and wearing his old school chain and jean shorts. Cena said Rock is like LeBron, taking his talents to South Beach. Cena asked for a week when Rock doesn't come out and choke. He called Rock and Dwayne both jack offs. Cena said after April 1, Rock won't be making movies because after he is going to need surgery on his boobies. He called out Rock for the Tooth Fairy chant he received last week. Cena said he doesn't have balls, but he is going to beat him at Wrestlemania and put his nuts in his face.

Segment Analysis: Classic Cena when he was at his best. That is the Cena we used to like, that I used to like. That right there proved that Cena can still be that gimmick even in a water downed PG era. That was pretty good. Hopefully Cena doesn't come out as a goof ball later. Survey Says: 3.5/5

And Now Good Wrestling?
Vickie introduced Dolph Ziggler. Sheamus hit a couple of power moves on Ziggler early then a takedown headlock. Ziggler escaped to the outside to take a breather heading into commercial. Back from break Sheamus locked in an armbar, took down Ziggler with a shoulder tackle and tossed him to the outside. Vickie distracted Sheamus, allowing Ziggler to crawl to the opposite side of the ring and hit a drop kick on Sheamus. Ziggler tossed Sheamus into the announce table. Sheamus made into the ring before the count of 10. Ziggler worked over Sheamus and applied a sleeper. Daniel Bryan was interviewed from a skybox, where he said he wasn't rude to A.J. last week when he told her to shut up. Sheamus backdropped Dolph to break the sleeper. Sheamus hit a couple of axe handles. He dropped Ziggler on the mat. Ziggler got the upper hand and went to the top. Sheamus caught him and went for the Irish Curse Backbreaker, but Ziggler countered nicely into a pin attempt. Sheamus charged at Dolph in the corner but Dolph moved. Ziggler only got a two count. While Dolph was arguing with the referee, Sheamus hit a Brogue Kick for the win.

Match Analysis: That was a nice short ten minute TV match. Both of these guys are good workers. Dolph sells like a Champ. Sheamus took a nasty bump into the table. Sheamus continues to role heading into Wrestlemania while Dolph Ziggler continues to look like an afterthought after his Royal Rumble push. Dolph needs something to re-energize his character and make it seem like a threat again. Survey Says: 3/5

You Know It's Bad When the Team Captains Would Be Picked Last In Dodgeball
If you didn't hear, its Team Long vs Team Laurinaitis at Wrestlemania. 6-on-6. Winner gets control of both shows. Santino, the Captain of Team Long came out with Aksana. David Otunga, Captain of Team Laurinaitis came out. Ace made the match a handicap match: Mark Henry and Otunga vs Santino. Teddy Long came out and shoved Laurinaitis off his chair. In the ring, Santino went for the Cobra on Otunga, but Henry tagged himself in. World's Strongest Slam for the win. Otunga and Henry slapped around Santino. Kofi went for the save, but ate a World's Strongest Slam. R-Truth met a similar faith. Henry is now on Team Laurinaitis.

Segment Analysis: No one really cared about the match, it was all about the shenanigans between Long and Laurinaitis. I still don't care about the GM storyline. Unless they are super strong authority figures they don't matter. Plus the match will barely have any star power in it. The heel side will be stacked compared to the face side. And Captains Santino and David Otunga? Hahaha. Survey Says: 1.5/5

They showed the Bellas and Alicia Fox on Extra. Then Eve told Ryder they could go to dinner later. Beth said she admired Eve's control over Ryder. Poor Zack Ryder.

Miz asked John Laurinaitis when he will be made a member of his team. Ace said if he beats C.M. Punk tonight, he will be on his team.

FUNKASAURUS TIME! He's finally back. Jinder Mahal tried to jump him before the bell. Clay hit a headbutt, then a suplex and splash for the win. Loved seeing him back on TV. Now do something meaningful with him.

What?
Shawn Michaels came out and talked about Wrestlemania between Triple H and The Undertaker. He talked about being special guest referee. They replayed the clip of HHH last week saying people call HBK a failure behind his back. HBK said no one has said that to his face, but there has been one man who hasn't been here the last two weeks. Shawn called out The Undertaker, and out he came. Shawn said that after everything these two had been through for twenty plus years, he can't believe Undertaker would say stuff behind his back. Taker asked what he wanted him to say. That he's a failure, that he couldn't get the job done. But Taker said that maybe he is saying the words that were put in his mouth by HHH. HBK said that Taker thought he was holier than though and that he was the one that practically begged for this match. Taker said he doesn't want HBK sticking his ego in this match. Taker wanted the outcome to be pure, and if it wasn't pure, there would be hell to pay. Shawn talked about it being ironic that he could be the one that end's Undertaker's streak, counting his shoulders to the mat. But Taker said that if HBK sticks his nose where it doesn't belong, Taker will end him. Shawn walked off and Triple H came on stage. HBK left, and Triple H did the D-X crop chop and smiled.

Segment Analysis: Again, I know these two will put on a good match at Wrestlemania, and HBK adds intrigue to it. But I just am not buying any of this promo stuff. They are just using fancy catch phrases and one liners to oo and aah the crowd, and that's it. The crowd wasn't into the promo at all, and they busted out to stupid WHAT chant again, which is crap. But in a way, HBK and Taker kind of deserve it because they put on such a boring promo. This program needs to pick up the pace in the next three weeks because it isn't all that intriguing at the moment. Did Taker really expect the crowd to pop when he said "pure victory." This thing needs a burst of energy. And quick. Survey Says: 1.5/5

Now This Is How You Kick It Up A Notch
James Roday from Psych did the ring intros and was rather entertaining. Miz caught Punk with a running knee into commercial. Miz locked in an abdominal stretch back from break. Punk caught Miz with a kick, then a clothesline from the top. High knee and bulldog from Punk. Miz got out of a GTS but Punk caught him with a drop kick. Miz regained control and hit a short DDT for two. Miz went to the top but Punk ducked. Punk went for the GTS but Miz countered, then Punk countered out of a Skull Crushing Finale, then Punk locked in an Anaconda Vice for the win.

Suddenly, Jericho mockingly clapped Punk. He said this week he found out why Punk is Straight Edge, and it is because he found out Punk's father was an alcoholic, and he doesn't want to end up like him. But he eventually will, because alcohol is in his blood. And it terrifies him that he can end up that way and the nightmares he has about him. Jericho asked if the tattoos were Punk's way of feeling the pain that the alcohol would cause. After Wrestlemania, Jericho will make Punk take a drink, then another one, and another one. He will be WWE Champion, and Punk will be recognized just like his father: a drunk. Punk left the ring shocked and speechless.

Segment Analysis: Now that is how you pick up steam heading into Wrestlemania. While HBK/HHH/Taker stayed in neutral, Punk and Jericho kicked it up a gear. The crowd just sat there in silence as Jericho brought Punk down a level. Now there feud is more about a stupid catchphrase. It is personal. Jericho just got Punk a lot of sympathy there. Punk sold the after promo well. He didn't come back with a witty one liner. He just walked away. Stunned. Great work by both men. Survey Says: 4.5/5

Having law problems? Tweet David Otunga. Hilarious.

Watch Out for the Pyro!
Randy Orton fought Jack Swagger. Orton dominated. He beat Swagger on the outside smashing his head into the announce table. And now a commercial? Back from break Swagger had a head lock in place. Swagger worked over Orton's left knee. Orton rolled out of the way of a Swagger Bomb. But Swagger locked in an ankle lock that Orton got out of. Orton hit a superplex from the top rope. Orton hit some clotheslines, then the middle rope DDT, then RKO for the win. Suddenly the ring apron pyro went off.

Segment Analysis: Still don't care about Orton/Kane. I actually feel bad for Orton. He deserves better than this for Wrestlemania. Swagger is a jobber again. Survey Says: 2/5

STOP While You're Ahead Rock!
Rock came out. He said that tonight they broke the sell out record for a WWE show in Cleveland. Rock ripped on Cena. Rock said he knew that wasn't the real Cena. The real Cena is the guy who came out here for eight years looking like Vanilla Ice banged a Tella Tubby. Rock illustrated it on the screen. Rock broke into song. "Warden threw a party and spent some bucks, didn't invite Cena cause Cena sucks. Cena started rapping but Cena should know his role and shut his mouth." "Little Fruity Pebble from Boston Mass, gonna take my boot and shove it up his ass." Rock said Cena is on a menstrual cycle. Rock then talked about Cena going to the doctor begging for a rectal exam. Rock then made fun of Cena for making out with Eve, and said how Cena must have forgot he had a wife. Burn.

Now about Cena being born. The doctor said send the baby back to heaven, and Little Baby Johnny had lady parts. Rock asked if there were any grown men that were Cena fans. Rock said that they will never taste pie and that they are walking virgins at 42. Rock asked where the ladies are. He had a song for one special lady, and of course it was Cena's mom. The Rock then broke into his own version of "We Will Rock You." But it came off really bad. Should have eliminated that.

Segment Analysis: That was fun and entertaining, until the end. Rock couldn't keep up even with the words on the screen. But before that Rock was pretty good. They veered away from being serious this week and went more towards just ripping on each other. I would assume things get serious again next week. Rock just seemed too off at the end and it probably should have either been a different song or no song all together. Survey Says: 3.5/5

OVERALL
A very mediocre episode of RAW. The best part of the show was the Jericho promo on Punk after his match. Great sell job by both men. Jericho was great in his delivery and Punk sold it well after. The HBK/HHH/Taker stuff just didn't click this week. It was just a long drawn out "Will HBK screw Taker at Wrestlemania" promo. The Rock was good until the end part of his promo. Everything before that was pretty funny. It was nice to see Funkasaurus back on the show. Not a lot of wrestling on the show. The Sheamus/Ziggler match was good. And I still don't care about Long/Laurinaitis. I'm going to give this show a 5 overall. Jericho/Punk and Rock were good, as was Cena in the beginning.

And remember kids, David Otunga can handle all your legal needs. Best of all, he can tell you how to marry a super rich celebrity, and that advice is free!

Until Next Time,
Justin C
Follow Me On Twitter @JCWonka